Shocking moment man rescued from monster pothole

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A Northfield man had a lucky escape in the early hours of this morning when he underestimated the depth of a pothole.

Colin Crumpette was taking his normal wobble walk home from The Great Stone Inn – which he does every Saturday night – when tragedy struck.

The 44-year-old was crossing Church Hill, Northfield, when he couldn’t resist the temptation to splash in Birmingham’s [alleged] only pothole.

Little did he know that this decision would nearly be the last he would ever make. He leapt into the air with a grin on his face that bankers have on payday – and landed feet first into the alluring puddle. But instead of experiencing wet feet he disappeared – completely submerged in wetness.

Fortunately, he was born extremely buoyant and floated to the surface. Unfortunately, he was also born with extremely large hips which wedged him firmly into his ‘hole of hell’.

Northfield firefighters were alerted to the incident by a resident who heard Colin’s cries as she was blow drying her squirrel, Peter.

Miss Jane Williams said: “It is very distressing. Peter was only half dry when I had to stop and call the emergency services – I mean, I couldn’t ignore him in the pothole, could I?

The heroic resident also added: “For the country’s largest council to allow a pothole in its city is disgusting – and mark my words, if Peter develops a chest infection, heads will roll.”

Thankfully, with the quick action and professionalism of Northfield’s Mint Macaroon Watch, Colin was rescued with injuries only to his pride.

Watch Commander Pecs said: “I was just completing my 5000th bench press when the call came in. Fortunately, I’d already finished my 5000 body weight squats, 5000 push ups, 5000 walking lunges, 5000 dumbbell rows, 5000 second planks and 5000 jumping jacks, so I was pumped and looking magnificent – we arrived at the scene and pulled him out of the hole in a beautiful fashion.”

The simple act of indulging in a playful splash ending up in a severe case of wrinkled skin, is a terrifying experience Colin will have to live with for the rest of his life.

Colin explained: “I was seduced, I was seduced by its rough edges and glistening filling. Believe me, if I thought for a second it would try to swallow me, I’d have stayed on the other side of the road. I feel weak and ashamed”

He added: “I hope this will be a lesson to others. And that Birmingham City Council take action and do something about our pothole that nearly cost me my smooth skin”

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