A global research company is considering several locations across Europe – including one in South Birmingham – to house its new highly classified squirrel training program.

The new multi-million pound training facility will be the first of its kind in the northern hemisphere. The company in question, (who can’t be named at this point so will be referred to as *ASIF*) have one other such development, which is believed to be near Tentayapi in south Bolivia.

There’s very little known about the training methods used, however ASIF assure that stringent guidelines are followed to guarantee that no animal is harmed during the process.

Head of animal welfare at ASIF, Curly Harris spoke about concerns of animal cruelty to Channel 90853. He explained: “We do our utmost to make sure that each and every one of our squirrels are 100% happy – if the squirrels are crying, we’re not smiling”

‘Operation Tiny Hands’ has been developed to combat social issues and reduce financial expenditure. In times of austerity, it’s hoped that the squirrels can be trained to perform tasks which can no longer be paid for out of council budgets, such as collecting dog mess and cutting grass with tiny specially adapted ride on mowers.

What do we know about the facility?

As the late Paul Daniels would say ‘not a lot’, however, what we do know is this:

  • The facility will be roughly the size of Norwich
  • Constructed with state-of-the-art materials: teflon, bamboo and chalk
  • There will be roughly 26,000 red squirrels and 3 grey squirrels at the plant
  • There will be 11 full-time staff and one afternoons only

ASIF’s Lead researcher/trainer, Michael Murray said: “Training squirrels is a difficult task, complex methods are used just to get hold of them”

He added “I am unable to divulge too much detail due to confidentiality, however, by stimulating a squirrels senses with sound, they become very receptive to learning.”

ASIF’s Chief executive of distribution and domination, Iyma Shnikka expressed great excitement about to moving to South Birmingham. She said “Bummies are wonderful, so welcoming, and they sound so funny, it’s so cute”

She added “We are looking at several locations across Europe to be the home of our European branch – Germany, France, Iceland, New York – but there are definitely extra ticks on the UK bid after experiencing a Balti, oh my, those Bummies sure did tickle my taste buds.”

The full plans have not been submitted to Birmingham City Council as of yet, however we understand a final decision on the location is expected to be made by tomorrow tea time.

Local MPs and councillors remain tightlipped about the proposed project and declined to comment until they’d had their breakfast.


  1. Thanks for this article. It’s about time there was some international investment in Birmingham. Who knows what it might lead to – after all, from small acorns, mighty oaks grow.


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