The first of a new series called “Truemours” where we investigate local rumours and gossip… ;)

What do you have on your cornflakes?

Ever fancied splashing some ice cold primate milk over your breakfast? Not me, as I have toast and a toffee crisp in the mornings for religious beliefs, but have you?

Farcical as this sounds, this will be a probable option that you’ll have in the very near future.  We have it on good authority that a major supermarket chain are on the verge of launching the world’s first consumer aimed monkey milk.

We can’t give away our source, however we have been informed the following:

  • Source “Initially Morrisons Great Park will be the first to have monkey milk on their shelves.  It will be used as a catalyst to monitor consumers reactions and sales, before considering whether to take it national.”
  • Source “The Monkey Milk will be displayed with bright and colourful signs alongside regular milk to attract children.”
  • Source “Taking advantage of today’s financial climate by completive pricing to force consumers to consider Monkey Milk.”
  • Source “Only Irish Monkeys will be milked at first, but if successful, plans to introduce other types will be implemented.”

Obviously the thought of drinking milk from monkeys is somewhat disgusting, however I’m sure drinking cow milk was thought of in the same regard initially.

But why monkeys? Well, we contacted a leading monkey expert from Wolverhampton, Professor Richard Keys, to find out more.

B31 “Hi and thank you for agreeing to speak with us”
Prof Richard Keys “I love monkeys”

B31 “OK, As you know  Morrisons are planning to use monkey milk, what are the benefits of monkey milk? and what do you think about it?”
Prof Richard Keys “I love monkeys, apes are thick, monkeys clever”

B31 “Right?”
Prof Richard Keys “I love monkeys, there are about 260 different types of monkey”

B31 “Umm”
Prof Richard Keys “I love monkeys, they don’t fart as much as cows so they are better for the environment”

B31 “Yeah?”
Prof Richard Keys “I love monkeys, I’ve been drinking monkey milk since I was a baby in my mothers hairy arms”

Not entirely convinced by Prof Richard Keys, we decided to visit the store in question.

We put the idea of Monkey Milk to shoppers. Below are just some of their responses:

  • Maggie from Northfield “Monkeys belong in Zoos not supermarkets”
  • Two very attractive girls that I did not get the names or numbers of “No way would we try that”
  • Brian from Frankley “lactating monkeys should be in prison”

Shopper opinion (mp3)

That was the shoppers, but what about the workers?

Monkey milk – staff interview (mp3)

Assistant manager interview (mp3)

Well there you have it, will you be guzzling Monkey Milk in the near future? For now, they are remaining tight lipped on the whole subject… ;-)

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Have you heard a local rumour you’d like us to investigate for ‘Truemours‘?! Tell us on twitter, facebook or email marty@b31.org.uk ! (We won’t be able to investigate all your suggestions, but will probably just select the craziest funniest most likely to be true! ;) )

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